Moving out and moving forward, again

I got the keys to my new duplex in December just before Christmas. We had a wild snowstorm for a week so I was not able to start renovating until mid-January. Right out the gate I had to deal with a plumbing issue and paint the entire house. I did all this alone because on top of putting too much on my plate I also tend to not accept help (RE: stubborn, particular and an enneagram 2) cue the control issues. I can recall a day where a friend offered to help. He came by and even brought a painter’s ladder. The entire day which included a trip to Grover’s and installing the missing part for my bath faucet to get it to stop leaking ~ we had to talk about something serious per his warning… He left that day crying because I was too blunt with what I was saying. I only explain this because when I am stressed and overwhelmed, I will shut everything out but the basics to preserve any hope for sanity.

When I lived in my new duplex for the first month I was wildly depressed. I was freezing cold because the heat still does not work. I just moved out of my dad’s place where I was always so comfortable and happy. Not to mention not shivering in the day. All I had in the new house were tools, a bed, a desk and honestly not much more.

I remember not having anything in my fridge either because my car broke down and I was too depressed to walk to the store to buy food. All I had were random cans of food and ingredients, romaine lettuce, carrots and an Italian dressing. I would make a carrot and lettuce salad with pumpkin seeds and call that a meal. For breakfast, I would make overnight oats with water which made me want to gag. One especially sad day, that is burned in my memory, is when I microwaved a bowl of lentil soup which I ate in bed since that was the only place to eat and the warmest room in the house. My room smelt like beans for the entire day. To make things more frustrating this is when I learned that 3 of my stovetop elements were not working. I tried to replace the only large element but after buying a new element it still did not work. (UPDATE: I FIXED THIS WITH A $20 CIRCUIT)

All I would do is work, watch movies from my laptop in bed, eat food I hated, and bundled in bed to stay warm. I think at this time I could take my car when I really needed it, going to my dads with three loads of laundry for example. When I bought the house, I was overwhelmed, depressed and did not really think about the documents I was signing. In the moment I didn’t want to sign the papers at all, but they had 5000 in earnest money that I would not get back if I backed out. I say this to explain that when I moved into the house without knowing there would be no appliances included in either side of the duplex, that my stovetop did not work (this was not checked in inspections or by me since I was working during the inspection day. I did not want to take time off since I just started a new technical role with a new team, I wanted to show I was a hard worker. Point being, is it happened at the worst possible time.

Backing up a bit. I got keys finally on December 17th even though it was a nightmare wiring the down payment because my mortgage officer was not helpful and made everything worse and down to the last second (stress). Remind me to vet the mortgage company next time. I was supposed to close and get keys on my birthday the 14th. I love that Sarah, my cousin, close friend & realtor extraordinaire set it up to close on my birthday, but I will tell you that was not something that made that time period better. But I finally get keys and I start fixing the leaks and painting the house.

Eventually I get a new bed and start moving into the house based on what I could fit into my car. A few weeks later my dad text me and tells me he misses me, that I should move back “home”. I agreed and mentally decided to move back while I renovate and get ready for renters. We get breakfast the next morning and he tells me I should stay in the new house, and he will help me bring some furniture over. Quite the dissonance of opinions/emotions. This fixed a lot of my sadness because when I ate at least I didn’t have to eat in a bean smelling bedroom.

I finally started to make the house seem more like home and plant roots including actual plants. I decorated the house with art, got a new couch and a few other pieces of furniture so I could unpack my boxes. I even got a new washer and dryer that I adore. The previous set I bought were too wide to fit in the bathroom. Good thing I could sell them and make my money back. Finally, a few weeks later, I felt comfortable in my freshly painted house with new light fixtures. I put up art and then suddenly my depression subsided.

My car decided to give me the middle finger. engine light: O2 sensors, fixed. Another engine light right when I left Cory’s: catalytic convertor – loads of money. paid for and fixed for $1300 total. IMA battery light: needs to fix asap before I lose my battery charge and have to tow the car without warning. A refurbished electric battery would have been $3000. Too bad they were out of stock. My mechanic said he would look and so should I. Weeks of not having a working car during all of this was terrible. I found a battery for $1000 all I needed was to drive to Gresham. I decided I would drive there on a Tuesday after work and run errands after. With my sleep deprived brain (this happened when I only sleep 4 hours over the course of 6 nights) I again put too much on my plate and that morning at 7 am I lost the ability to breathe.

With all the stress I listed and more I had the worst panic attack I have ever experienced. Cherith stopped by to bring back my portable battery charger just in case I would need when driving to my battery appointment. Looking back now I think this is hilarious because my appointment was at 2 pm, I get off work at 4 pm and I left my car a 30-minute walk away the night before. When she showed up she asked how I was doing and I told her I couldn’t talk because I knew I would lose my marbles. My renter in the next unit walked by around the time I am telling Cherith I can’t talk, I thought it would be good to ask if he could be more quiet when he got home late at night from work. The noise of his shower and walking around makes it harder to fall asleep when I am already dealing with bitter insomnia. I tried to get a sentence in before I had to run inside because I started to ugly cry, and I didn’t want to admit something was terribly wrong.

When I dashed into my house and closed the door, I started cry uncontrollably for 10 minutes. Sobbing. I was curled up in my hallway forehead to the ground sobbing. I eventually made it to my living room when I called my sister. It was still early so she didn’t pick up. I text my family to tell them I was in bad shape and needed help immediately. My sister then called me back. She immediately rushed over.

I could not breath and locked myself in my closet until my sister walked into the house. I did not want anything to touch me that I did not buy myself which is extremely hard since I buy everything second hand or have been given it from people that are no longer (intentionally) in my life. My dad left work and showed up to help me. When Karmann showed up I was hiding in my closet sobbing wrapped in the only blanket I would let touch me. I begged my sister to get all of the clothes out of the closet because some were given to me, and I did not want anything to touch me that reminded me of the past. When I am not sleeping and then screw up my meds my life takes a spiral fast in distress.

Queue the next disrupter… A guy I knew from when I first moved to Vancouver in the 4th grade reached out to me to see if I had any rentals open. I have a lot of good memories with him from when I was 10 and I knew his family well enough to trust that he was responsible. I felt bad but I just renewed the lease for all 3 rental units. The next lease that was up was for September and when I asked the renter, she made it seem like there was no way she was moving. Well, she told me they should start thinking about it but it was fucked that he asked if I could not renew her lease. He needed a place urgently with their first baby on the way and three dogs, so I understand his desperation. I told him she was likely not moving, and I wouldn’t make her move when her lease was up because she had a little boy. Looking back now, I could have rationalized asking them to leave just because of how frustrating there were as renters and the fact that they were paying reasonable rent and still making my life complicated for dumb reasons. Mostly they were fine though so I wanted them to stay.

My friend with the surprise baby was stressing and I feel for a young family so I decided I would let him move into my current home. I knew I could always move back in with my dad until I figure out my next move. I was planning to have him move in the summer but then the timeline was expedited. He already had a new job lined up in Portland so he could start early. I figured it all made sense to move in April, oh sweet summer child, heavens NO. With a baby on the way that would stress me out so I figured I would make it easier on them. I always seem to make things harder for myself to make things easier for others. I am actively working on making sure my basic needs are met before I put others first. We can’t help others if we are not well enough to take care of ourselves. It’s the oxygen mask concept when a plane is going down.

So here we are I agree that he can move in, we talk about June and then I remember I am gone all of May for Dzana’s wedding in Mexico. There would be no time for me to do last minute renovations and move before June 1st. So I tell him he can move in before I leave for Mexico in early May. I decided this two weeks ago and I have to have the unit ready in five weeks on top of house sitting Griz and another dog at my house for a week and packing for a three-week trip overseas (that I still have not planned for at all). That is all fine, I can make anything work with a solid plan and timeline.

What threw me off was last night the renters who just moved in, the ones who have a lease up in August that told alluded they were staying are likely moving out by September 1st. I just had to laugh because if I had known that I had two separate people I could have moved in and either gotten much in rent for or move my friend in there, knowing he could move in September. The renter who just told me she was likely moving was again vague in her response. When I asked her another question the story changed from “don’t read into this too much but is your friend still hoping to move in here” to “well I want to buy a house and I am giving you 5 month’s notice” after I asked that she confirmed at least by June so I could find new renters. Her response pissed me off because I asked a few weeks before and I would rather have known then if she was considering moving. Oh well, there is a lesson for the future.

I have mentally confirmed that I will not renew her lease and I will move in there on Sept 1st. I can live by one of my best friends, near a great area for the summer and renovate the kitchen while I live there. I honestly am was looking forward to it. My new renters that have the baby on the way are moving from out of state and told me I could leave most of my furniture at the current duplex until I move in September. This is great for both of us since I do not want to move and store my furniture for four months and have to move it all again in September. I am making his life easier since they are only bringing a bed and a kitchen table for furniture. This way I can stress less about the move in five weeks and focus on last renovations to make their unit lovely to live in.

I mentally and ready to move and truly am looking forward to new plan. I think I will love living in my old unit again & in the meantime, I will be traveling and house sitting in the summer. My work life is improving; I should be getting good news in the next 10 hours based on a conversation I had with my director last week. My love life is going well, and I finally feel supported and at peace. Cheers to less stress and more gratitude for the blessings I have been presented and the opportunities I have worked hard for.

This all happened on St. Patrick’s Day, so I must assume it is a good omen.

Luck is like a bus; it will always come around again. It’s only a matter of if you have the fare to get on.

updates coming shortly…